Effective Parenting for Couples

When I was eleven I spent a Saturday with my friend, Sharon. After watching Looney Tunes Saturday morning cartoons, in particularly an episode where Pepe Le Pew painted his skunk stripe black to pass himself off as a cat, we decided to fool Sharon's family into thinking their black cat was a skunk by painting a white stripe down his back. While I held him down on the garage floor, Sharon used white latex house paint and a wide brush to paint Gilligan's back—and then her mother walked in. Horrified, Sharon's Mom shouted, "Sharon! You just wait until your father gets home!" Sharon's Mom sent me packing after she called me my Mom. When I got home, she was waiting for me with a fly swatter to whip my butt. In our household, punishment didn't wait until Dad got home.

The days when Mom was a housewife and Dad was the breadwinner and disciplinarian are gone. Those roles should now assumed equally by both parents. Often Mom and Dad both work, and they both set rules and exact punishment for infractions of the rules. And since there are two adults governing the children, sometimes parents argue about how to raise them, disagreeing and sending mixed messages to their children, thus undermining values and beliefs that parents hope to teach.

Effective parenting requires Mom and Dad to mesh their parenting styles into a style that will work for their family. Follow these guidelines to achieve effective parenting in your household:

• Agree to disagree. It's okay to disagree about rules and discipline, but don't argue about it in front of your kids.
• Give firm answers. Don't say, "Go ask your father." When you child asks for permission, instead say, "Let me discuss it with your father." That way, your child will know that you are united in how to raise your kids.
• Don't undermine each other. If your son hits his sister and your wife sends the boy to his bedroom as a punishment, don't run after your son to console him and then tell him he can leave his bedroom. If you do that, your son will learn that he can play one parent against the other. If you don't agree with a punishment your spouse uses, discuss it later when the situation is not volatile.
• Plan ahead. Even though your kids are still in preschool, you can discuss with each other in terms of "what if" scenarios when your children become teenagers. Discuss possible situations and agree upon what to do in those situations, and how you will use punishment and consequences.

Above all, take time to nurture your relationship as a couple. Your children will thrive in an environment of love and caring, when they see the two of you taking time for your own needs, and each other.