Dealing with Quarreling Children

The first rule that any caregiver should keep in mind when it comes to dealing with quarreling children is to ignore the small squabbles. Only intervene if quarreling becomes physical. Fighting and quarreling is something that all children will go through and is a normal part of any child's social development. It is the caregiver's responsibility to ensure that children are learning socially acceptable ways of dealing with disagreements.

The second rule that any caregiver should keep in mind is that they should really try not to tell off or get upset with just one of the children, since it usually takes two individuals to fight. If the children are old enough, ask each child to give their version of the events leading up to the argument. For children that are older (in their teenage years) you could ask them how they would stop quarrelling children when they're parents themselves. After getting these suggestions, ask these young adults if they could live by the rules that they just came up with. If the answer is yes take their suggestions and stick them on either the fridge door or the family notice board for future use.

In the event that you determine that the fight was caused because of a specific item, try removing the objects that cause squabbles among younger children. If you know your child and a friend always fight over the same toy, remove it before the friend comes to visit. Another option would be to get two of the same type of toy that way each would have one to play with.

Another option that could be used with younger children is that you make a game out of sharing. Hand them a toy and take it gently back. Repeat until your child is happy to hand it over to you. After this has been successful a few times between yourself and the child, broaden the game to include other children as well, thereby teaching the child that it is OK to share with everyone and not just you.

When fighting breaks out in the car, pull over to a safe spot, and find out what is going on. Explain to your children that you can't drive with them fighting like that because it is a distraction and could cause an accident. It may be surprising to many, but this method works really well with children as young as three.

If the children seem to be constantly fighting, ask yourself some of the following questions to help determine why:

• Are you favoring one unconsciously?
• Are they happy at school?
• Are they hungry?

The third rule that a caregiver should keep in mind is that of consistency. Be consistent with how you handle any given situation dealing with a fight or argument. This ensures that the children know what to expect in any given situation in pretty short order. Write out a list of house rules, such as no playing with the ball near the window; Sally isn't allowed to touch William's modeling clay, etc.

In the event that you must discipline the children for arguing or fighting, you can always separate them for a time. Typically half an hour will work for younger children, as after about fifteen minutes they will be asking to play with each other once again. You can also tell them about your own childhood squabbles with your brothers or sisters, since it shows them that everyone has difficulties with their family as they grow up.