Being a Good Stepparent

Traditionally, stepparents get a bad rap. Wicked stepmothers are slave-driving villains in stories such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. In literature such as David Copperfield and Hamlet, wicked stepfathers are portrayed as inheritance-depriving brutes. It is little wonder that children dread the announcement that Mom or Dad have found a new spouse. Historically, media labels stepparents as villains who change a loving family life to an intolerable existence.

In my own marriage, my stepchildren left their mother's home to live with us. Aware of how my stepchildren might have preconceived opinions about a wicked stepmother, I made sure that the emotional needs of the children were met from the moment I entered their home. Whether your stepchildren live with you full time, or simply visit on weekends or summers, being a good stepparent takes patience, love, and understanding. Follow these tips to be a good stepparent:

• Be yourself and develop a relationship with your stepchildren. Do not try to be a copy of their parent. Instead, find common ground with your stepchildren based on your relationship with them.
• Welcome their parent into your home for family events. Never speak ill of their parent. Go to the birthday celebrations of the children with your spouse and the children's parent. Show solidarity and the children will feel more secure.
• Before you marry their parent, get to know your stepchildren.
• To avoid battles of will, discuss in advance forms of discipline and punishment already in place before making new rules.
• Showing respect for your stepchildren will encourage mutual respect for you.
• Do not compete with your stepchildren for attention with your spouse.
• Show interest in your stepchildren's activities, friends, schoolwork, and hobbies.
• Involve your stepchildren in your own hobbies and interests.
• Let your stepchildren decide what they will call you. Do not force them to call you Mom or Dad because, after all, you are not their parent.

Do not set expectations that your stepchildren will accept you as a parent right away. Stepchildren may hear horror stories from their friends and even from their parent. Instead, be yourself and allow your stepchildren to discover for themselves who you really are. Sometimes it takes years for a good relationship to form between stepparent and stepchild. Above all, build trust by always being honest with your stepchildren, keeping secrets they may tell you, and not invading their privacy by rummaging through their journals.