Helping a Child Deal with Your Divorce

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce, and Mom and Dad would stay married happily ever after. In the real world, divorce happens. How divorce happens can affect how your child deals with the inevitable upheaval. Use these guidelines to help your child deal with your divorce:

• Sit down and talk with your child and explain to them what is happening.
• Make it clear that you and your ex-spouse will always love your child.
• Make certain that your child knows that both parents will continue to be part of his life, even though the parents will not share the same house.
• Let the child know that the divorce is not his fault.
• As parents, set your differences aside when you are with your child. Never speak ill of each other to the child.
• Make sure that your child's feelings come first to your own.
• Never use your child as a bargaining chip. Your child had nothing to do with the breakup of your marriage, so do not use him as a weapon to hurt your ex-spouse.
• Do not discuss with or around your child circumstances involving late child support or alimony payments.
• Encourage visitation and do not withhold your child from visiting your ex-spouse, unless there has been a history of abuse or violence. In that case, work within the legal system to arrange supervised visitation, if warranted. Your child has a right to spend time with his other parent.
• Never make your child choose sides. Better yet, prevent that type of situation from happening by always speaking highly of your child's other parent. When your child comes home from a visitation with excitement about the visit, join in his excitement and do not allow the child to think that you disapprove of him spending time with his other parent.
• Do not discuss with your child the reasons behind the divorce in negative connotations. If your divorce results because of an affair, merely state that the other parent decided to try a different life partner, and state it matter-of-factly, without hurt or resentment.

Before discussing with your child the reasons for the divorce, make sure that you have accepted it yourself and have moved beyond the hurt. Simply tell your child that sometimes families change, but that divorce doesn't have to mean the end of a family. Make room in your life for your ex-spouse and his or her new partner for your child's birthday or school events. If your child sees the two of you acting as adults, putting aside pettiness, then he will learn to deal with and accept your divorce more quickly, without harboring resentment against the two of you for dissolving his family.