Helping a Child Deal with Your Remarriage

The most popular blended-family television show in history was The Brady Bunch. While that TV sit-com provided entertainment in the form of half-hour capricious fun, it often neglected to address the emotional impact that remarriage of parents has on children. Carol Martin Brady was a divorcee, and her new husband adopted her girls, with them taking the Brady surname. But what happened to the girls' father, Mr. Martin? Didn't the girls ever visit with him? Did they miss him? Did he want to visit them, yet Carol wouldn't allow it? How did Carol tell her girls that she was getting remarried? How did the girls react to that announcement? Not only did the girls have to deal with the remarriage of their Mom, they also had to deal with living with a stepfather and stepsiblings.

In your own world, how do you help your child deal with your remarriage? Perhaps your child lives with your ex-spouse and won't have to deal with blending in with stepsiblings in the same house. Perhaps your child lives with you and your remarriage means that he will have to make room in his world and home for stepsiblings as well as a stepparent. All of these changes can wreak havoc and create problems if the changes aren't addressed appropriately.

Here are some tips for helping your child deal with your remarriage, and the changes that event can cause:

• Make sure, well in advance of any marriage plans, that you allow your children to know the people you date.
• When you are engaged to marry your fiance, immediately schedule a time to talk with your children about the marriage, without your fiance present. Do not, however, allow your ex-spouse to find out from your children about your remarriage. The decent thing to do is to tell him or her in person (but only if there has not been a history of abuse in your prior relationship).
• When you talk with your children about remarrying, do not approach the conversation as if you're asking their permission. Tell them the decision has already been made, but that you want to talk about any concerns they may have.
• If your children live with you and your fiance will bring children into the family, discuss with your children any changes that will happen within the house, such as bedroom reallocations, rules, expectations, boundaries, and respect.

Hold a Family Meeting one night each week. Choose the same night each week, and pencil it onto the family calendar so that everyone knows how important the meeting is to help overcome problems. If your children live with your ex-spouse and visit you on weekends, have the Family Meeting on Saturday mornings at breakfast time around the table. If your children live with you and visit their other parent on weekends, schedule a Family Meeting every Wednesday night. Stress the importance of the Family Meeting, making sure that nothing interferes with the family time together.