Dealing With a Child's Anger Issues

There are three components of anger; the emotional state of anger, the expression of anger, and the understanding of anger. Children experience anger, become confused by the emotion, and then express their anger negatively because they do not know how to understand or manage it.

The best way to deal with a child's anger issues is to teach him how to face and manage his own anger. Never tell a child to stop crying when she is angry. Instead, talk with her and help her to realize why she became angry, and then teach her to express her anger in a positive and productive way. When we teach children that it's wrong to become angry, they do not know how to deal with the anger they experience, and then they become angry adults.

Here are a few guidelines that you can follow to help a small child deal with anger:

• Encourage your child to use words instead of screaming, crying, or hitting. While in the midst of a tantrum, take your child by both hands, get down on her level, and tell her to tell you in words why she is angry. When she is able to articulate her anger, she will calm down.
• Hold her hand up and touch each finger on her hand and say aloud, "One, two, three, four, five." Even a small child who doesn't yet know her numbers can realize that she can stop and touch each finger of her hand and calm herself down. After she counts, and before she's allowed to yell or scream or retaliate, teach her to find an adult—a teacher at school or a parent or babysitter at home—and tell them that she is angry, and why.
• Since small children have short attention spans, the finger-touching method may allow enough time to stop a tantrum, and she may forget why she was angry in the first place.
• If she is an older child, she may remember why she became angry. Perhaps she was pushed down on the playground. Before she's allowed to go push Sally down in retaliation, she knows that she must sit and count to five first, and then tell an adult that she is angry.
• When your child tells you that she is angry, discover together a way to deal with her anger in a positive way. Practice removing her from the situation. If that's not possible, tell her to vent her anger by writing about it in a journal, or for an older child, blogging about it online anonymously.
• If you find that your child does not want to talk with you about her anger, perhaps she would be more comfortable talking with a relative or family friend.

Sometimes anger management does not work and your child may become withdrawn or depressed. In that instance, immediately seek therapy or medical advice for your child.