Should We Take the Kids to the Funeral?

My grandfather died when I was in elementary school. I remember all of the adults discussing whether or not my cousins and I should attend the funeral. After much discussion it was decided that children under 12 should not attend the funeral, but we would be allowed to go to the family viewing. My Aunts and Uncles felt it was far too emotional for children to attend.

Once I became a Mom I, too, was faced with the issue of my own children attending funerals. I considered the following circumstances on a case by case basis before I made my decision:

• Were my children's ages appropriate to attend the funeral? My first consideration was whether or not my children were old enough to attend the service and not cause a disruption. It is important to be respectful of the grieving family.
• How well did my children know the person who had passed away? Next I would determine how close they were to the person who had died. If it was a person who played a significant role in their lives' I would discuss their desire to attend the service with them.
• Could my children grasp the concept of death and dying? Being mature enough to grasp the complex issue of death and dying also played a role in our decision. The circumstances surrounding the death were also considered. Coping with a long drawn out illness can be very different than an unexpected accident. Communication regarding the grieving process is essential in preparing your child to attend a service. It is important to validate your child's feelings as he/she faces the reality of the situation.
• Service content. Finally, I would consider if the service content were in line with what we believed from a faith stand point. It is important to prepare children for what they will hear and experience before the service and how people may react as not to confuse them. Children should understand that different cultures use different rituals to observe the rights of passage.

Funeral services play a significant role in saying goodbye to a loved one. If, as a parent, you do not feel it is appropriate to allow your child to attend the service it is important to assist them with closure and allow them to grieve in an age appropriate manner.